Will My Relationship Last Forever?

Will My Relationship Last Forever?

A lot of time and energy has been spent trying to figure out what happens between that hopeful wedding day and a marriage ending in divorce.  86% of 18 to 20 year-olds in a Clark University study thought their marriages would last a lifetime.  Not as many as that do last.  Experts estimate today that between 40 percent and 50 percent of marriages  will end in divorce. 

​Some common risk factors for relationships that have been identified:

• Finances
• Partners marrying at a young age
• Stress in life
• Mental health problems
• Addiction or substance abuse
• Demanding schedules that leave little time for partners to spend together

Some of these factors are beyond your control, but there are things that you can do in increase the changes that your marriage will last.

• The early excitement of the relation can fade and boredom can set in.  Boredom can be avoided if couples participate in novel activities together.  Trying new things together also helps bring back some of that early excitement. Exciting dates and new activities such as traveling to new places, hiking or learning to dance or speak a new language together helps couples stay interested in each other and the relationship.  More mundane dates like staying home to watch a movie do less to keep the excitement alive.                                                                         
  

• Supporting your partner when he or she is in distress is also important.  John Gottman, Ph.D. found that support in good times may cause your partner to feel better about themselves and the relationship than similar support during a negative event.  Gottman believes that partners may not appreciate the support as much because in bad times, because they are distracted by thier own distress in the situation.  This effect seems to be more obvious with male partners.  
  

• Maintaining frequent connection with your partner helps maintain interest and closeness.  Connecting during the day with a call, or giving a caress or hug when you see each other can relay a message of love and caring.  Small, frequent, sincere affirmations of your affection can lower your changes of divorce.                
  

• Taking care when you argue kindly, to avoid blaming or trying to find the bad guy.  Also, try to avoid launching into personal attacks in arguments.  Keeping the focus on trying to resolve the present issue, rather than bringing in all past mistakes and transgressions.  This makes it more likely that the issues will actually get resolved at the end of the argument.  Avoid name calling and saying things that you don't  mean.  Gottman also identified disgust as one of the most reliable indicators of a relationship's future failure.  Resolving issues when they come up, and remembering to see yourself and your partner as fighting together to resolve issues, instead of fighting against each other to prove who is right, is a good way to avoid letting animosity build up and turn to disgust.                      
  

• Slowing down conversations and checking for meaning, instead of making assumptions, can avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings.  Dr. Sue Johnson has done extensive research on couples and has found that couples often say something in anger, or withdraw from their partner when things are not going well.  Making assumptions about what your partner is thinking or feeling can leave both partners feeling lonely and hurt.  Instead of striking back or withdrawing too, taking the time to gently explore what is really going on often gets to some unexpressed pain or fear that you can then talk about with your partner.                                                           
  
• Being a good listener, empathizing with your partner, and responding genuinely helps each person feel heard and supported. 
  

Every relationship will be exposed to stress, financial issues, and most couples will argue from time to time.  But, taking the time to reach out, be curious, supportive and kind, can help you avoid some of the risks and improve your changes for happily ever after.

Call me with any questions or to schedule an appointment.

References:
Jeffrey Jensen Arnett, PhD
John Gottman, PhD
Susan Johnson, PhD

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